The Crimean War

Most people only know about the Crimean War through its allegorical representation in the popular movie series "Revenge of the Nerds", "Revenge of the Nerds II: Nerds in Paradise", and "Revenge of the Nerds III: Tears of a Nation". However, the Crimean War was much more than the lighthearted pranks and hilarious panty raids those movies made it appear to be, although there were both. None other than Brian Garland, bass player for international super group Nickelback, has called the war "a tragedy".

The war was fought between the powerful country of Russia(AKA The Jocks) and the small yet relentless country of Serbia(AKA The Nerds) for control of the country of Crimea(AKA Campus Supremacy). The war began on March 13th, 1846, after Russia assassinated the Serbian national icon Sergai Milovichovich, the 18th greatest plate spinner in the world. Serbia responded to this egregiousness by invading Crimea, which Russia controlled as part of its ever-expanding empire. In a show of support for Sergai and the Serbian war effort, thousands of Serbian citizens took to the streets shouting "Do it for Sergai!" while trying to spin plates in a tribute to their hero. Unfortunately, most of these people did not have nearly the talent that Sergai had. This lead to thousands of plates being broken and the Great Plate Shortage of 1846, one of the many tragedies of this war, if not the greatest. The Russian citizenry responded the same way the Russian citizenry responds to anything, they drank, a lot.

The battles(AKA The Homecoming Carnival competition where the winner gets to be chairman of the Greek Council) would be grueling and go back and forth over three months. The warfare would be unlike any ever seen, consisting mostly of name calling and a tactic called "zadnitzya," which does translate well to English but means something like "gotchya!" The tactic involved one side sending a message to the other declaring an interest in brokering peace. When the opposing representative would show up to the meeting, they would wait for him to extend his hand hand and then stab him in the heart. This happened to both sides several times before anyone caught on.

The war finally came to a conclusion when Serbian emerged victorious in the Battle of Yablacka on June 18th, 1846. Yablacka is a Russian holiday where it is customary to face west at all times, a kind of "Hands Across America" to show the cohesiveness of the Russian people and the power of group action. The Russians must have thought that Serbia would respect this holy day, but, tragically for the Russians, they did not. As the Russians unsuspectingly went about their business, The Serbians approached from the East. By the time the onslaught began, it was too late to turn around. The damage done to the Russian forces was too great to overcome. They withdrew and conceded victory to the Serbs. Later Serbia would become the subject of international criticism for orchestrating an attack on a Russian holiday. Serbia responded that the holiday was "stupid"; nobody could disagree.